You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
