I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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