My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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