K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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