at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
