Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
