my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
