i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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