perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
