I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
