there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
