I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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