I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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