How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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