Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
