yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
