I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
