That's intense
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
