end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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