Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
