if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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