he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
