I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
