never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
