no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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