i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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