you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
