Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
