You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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