maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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