My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
