Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
