I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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