my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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