So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
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If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
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You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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