I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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