I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
