i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
