I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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