Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
