You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
