you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
