Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
