I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He shit in the fireplace
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
