Swine flu. Run for my life!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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