my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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