not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
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I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
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I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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