I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
