i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
