Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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