theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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