He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
