paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
