Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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