dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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