There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
