I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
